In the past month I’ve been jolted out of sleep several times with a sudden understanding or what feels like heavy clarity. This morning at 2:30 a.m. the wallop of a thought was that I am grateful. Grateful to have been shoved out of my routine by my then partner. Grateful to have felt secure enough to purchase several plane tickets into the future guaranteeing that I was making every effort to physically be there for him. And now he’s gone. I don’t think I was needed anymore once he found friends abroad. I could dwell on the feelings of being left, rejected or disregarded but those feelings have evolved through releasing my anger and hurt.
I’m solo traveling though not initially by choice, but now here I am. I would never have done this on my own. I didn’t even own a passport before I met him because I thought the paperwork process would be too hard, and I figured I couldn’t afford to travel anyway. So now as I boil water while the sunrise tames the humidity in Thailand, I’m present and pretty fucking happy about it. Do I know where my life is headed? No. But the direction I was forcing it to go in for the past few years is now dismantled and it’s liberating as hell. I know I have five more round trips booked, I know I have an amazing career that gets better with each passing month and I have a family that will roll out the repair kit literally and figuratively to bolster me up.
So, big heart eyes to those who have soothed my burns and thank you to the universe for gut punching me into the direction of a more fulfilling life. I didn’t expect to see the silver lining of losing my favorite person so quickly, but there often times seems to be more at play than just my own free will. It feels good to let go and see the potential in the new path ahead.