Turning a Corner

The next morning I woke up with really light heart and the memory of him saying “This could be good for both of us.” My heart seemed to just be ready to jump in, I think realizing I had no other choice if I wanted this relationship to survive. I’d never done anything like this before. I had no successful relationships (obviously) to base this off of, and didn’t know anyone whose experience I could pull from. His little slivers of hope and encouragement were what I held onto like the heavy handle of a rope swing I remember from my youth. My hands were wet, the athletic tape was wet and all my weight is coming down to this dropped bottom and I thought I could hold on. I started to tell a few coworkers what happened the night before and the questions came quickly. Luckily, I was able to form an opinion from my heart, my experience with him and my genuine hope and want for this to work. I would make it work. This is what were were taking on next. Another one of our projects.

Looking back of course, I hear the screaming doubts so much clearer. WTF? He didn’t ask me. He clearly didn’t act in your best interest- aka the foundation of a functioning relationship. I don’t know how to classify this gray in-between. There was so much back and forth within me and among discussions with coworkers and clients. Anger, excitement, resentment, love, pride. What a fucking mess, but it felt raw.

Then he had to tell people.

What I’ve left out up to this point is that I was unable to turn to my family, which is my most practiced habit. Somethings odd or amiss, I text or call my mom and sister. I couldn’t in this case because he worked with a family member. This could cause him to get in trouble so I kept it a secret until he told people in the correct order to be respectful.

I don’t remember the exact order: realtor, family, roommates, work which then of course meant my family. I hadn’t been able to tell them up to this point which in hindsight I think was really good for me. Telling his parents was definitely bizarre. I prayed they’d be able to talk sense into him. I had just had my wisdom teeth removed and had painkillers and an Ensure pumping through my veins when he asked them to come sit down so he could tell them. His mom and I sat in the basement, and thinking back on it- it kind of breaks my heart. She seemed excited and kept looking at me and I couldn’t help but smile. I wish now that there was a different story. His dad finally came down the stairs with him and he told them about his plan and what he was wanting to, or going to, do. His mom’s excitement changed. I felt her eyes burning into me. I see now that she saw how much this really did hurt. I will say at this point in time I felt pretty removed from the events. It wasn’t a decision I had made for us. I wasn’t responsible for their disappointment or hurt because I was also disappointed and hurt. I knew I had no power or control, no consideration given. I really, really liked them. Super sensible, hard working, honest, funny and kind. I hate when the the family gets lost along with the relationship. In my mind they had already become potential grandparents if that gives you any idea into where my head was at. I had sat at their table and talked future and kids before. I was happy to keep adventuring with him, but to take this bat to our relationship- it just didn’t make sense. Hence, the pain and anger and bewilderment. His dad just very plainly said “Well, you’ll meet a Vietnamese girl and she’ll meet a guy in law school. That’s how these things can go.” Haha. Straight. Shot. To. The. Heart. img_2129

 

 

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